Reflections

Truth is sometimes painful, and sometimes really discouraging. After a meaningful conversation last night about writings and expression of my thoughts, it pains me to reflect on my own inadequacy.

I’m not good at expressing myself.

The reason why this blog needs restarting countless times proves this very point. There were times when full post drafts were just deleted because I felt that it would not be adequate in expressing what I really thought of a subject. There were times when posts were conjured up in my mind, only to find themselves hidden there and never to appear again.

It’s the same with this very post. The reason then, why I am posting this up here is because I made a resolution to put into proper words to express what I feel or think about certain things.

Upon reflection, it dawns to me that part of the reason why I do not like to express my own thoughts too often over public arena is because of my sinful pride. Paradoxical as it may seem, the very idea of remaining silent sometimes propels myself into the position of a judge, criticizing what others are lacking in their writing (albeit silently) but defending my own position, giving the excuse that I did not expound on the subject. Or in other words, I always try to 一鸣惊人。Sometimes trying too hard by writing some aphoristic quotes and leaving the readers confounded in mystery, when I myself do not really know what I wanted to convey in the first place.

Of course, I do not mean that everyone (more so myself) should express what they feel or think with the motive of impressing others what they know or how much they know. That’s the opposite of what my situation is anyways, and both arises from pride.

As I write this post, I am reminded of a verse:

“For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes not from the Father but from the world.” 1John 2:16

Pride can be so subtle sometimes, it exists merely in the mind. Silent comparisons between my own talents with others who are lacking became the foundation of my self-esteem. But the most venomous nature of such comparisons is that it is silent. Outward expression of prideful comparisons normally end up with boastful statements; but quietly comparing and seeking comfort in the idea that I’m some ways “better” than the other party renders myself no less than a hypocrite.

It is this pride that causes me to delete many posts so as not to appear foolish when expressing myself. It is this pride that I’m struggling with everyday.

Reflection sometimes brings us face to face with the Truth that we do not want to bear with. It is the Truth that we all want to suppress with our very sinful nature. It is only in Jesus that I can find my ultimate answer and comfort. Jesus says, “Come to me, all who are labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Struggling by myself is pointless, but struggling with the hope of eventual sanctification and eternal life is more meaningful than anything one can find in his life.

It is with this attitude that I’m “restarting” my blog again – to express myself and my thoughts as honest as I can, making mistakes but admitting them whenever possible and submitting myself to the Truth.